Finding The Light

The weather is finally cooler here in Michigan and my favorite season has begun! Bring on the candles, fluffy blankets, and fuzzy socks. This season gives me all sorts of renewed energy to hunker down and make the house homey. 


So as you all know I was suffering from depression since I was 30 weeks pregnant. Going on almost 2 years this December and I’ve been working diligently to find a way out. It’s been hard. It got to the point where some days I would just sit on the floor, turn the tv on, and let the chaos commence all around me. And other times I couldn’t find the patience for anything while the world seemed to unravel all around me. It was scary! I was easy to snap and didn’t feel like giving the boys the mommy snuggles they so desired. How awful right?! 


Many days I felt like such a failure! I dreamed of being a mom since ages. I went through in vitro just to fulfill that dream for Christ’s sake! I wanted this so why couldn’t I get a grip on this and be the mom I should be?! 


After a huge lab work up my doctor saw that my progesterone level was extremely low which wasn’t a shock considering I had the same issue during the fertility treatments. So she ordered me a cream to rub on my leg each day and the first few days were scary. I was aggressive and nauseous. Then a week went by and here I am…several weeks in and finally feel like a piece of me is back. 

I have the patience to make 3 meals a day, read books when they bring me piles of them to read, do fun learning and crafty things with them, clean the house, and my favorite bit…snuggle endlessly! Somehow it feels like everything slowed down finally. I can breathe again. Smile again. Laugh again. 


I’m hoping this leg cream was the fix. This would be the best thing to happen to me and my family in 2 years. Can such an easy thing fix me? Trying not to think about it and just accepting it for what it’s giving me right now! 

Keep fighting PPD, parents!!! There is a light in all of us! We just need to fix the igniter switch. 

Cheers, loves! Xoxoxoxox

So Its Been Awhile

I tend to do this with blogging…sometimes I find time, sometimes I don’t. It’s hard to juggle a new business, twins, my post partum depression, the dog, the schedule,the meal planning, and the list goes on and on. It’s rough!

So I need to update you a little bit on whats been going on.

The boys are about to turn a year old (OMG!) and I am beyond excited. Not so exciting is the fact that my in-laws are coming to visit for 2 weeks. I mean…I love them, I do. But I see them more than I see my own family. They come all the way from Germany and have spent more time with the boys than my own two parents. This is because America sucks in the vacation department (and the president department currently but I won’t get political on ya).

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I just wish my parents had the opportunity to be with the boys more. Luckily, my mom will be retiring this June so then I can ship her here for months at a time and get my fill! I haven’t talked about it much but my mom also got breast cancer last year and was fighting it with radiation all on her own. Brave soul. I hate that I couldn’t be there with her during this. So I’ve got some catching up to do.

I’ll do a whole different post about our trip to Germany over Xmas and New Years (yes…a little behind here) because that takes a whole different kind of energy to write about it. But, needless to say…it wasn’t successful and has currently changed my way of thinking when it comes to traveling with the boys again.

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My sweet little babies are crawling now! Both of them like a little baby stampede! It’s so sweet and they are sooooo snuggly. I am obsessed! Which has brought me to the decision of when to transfer our next embryo. (We did IVF…just FYI) I think we may try this Fall and see if it takes. Not looking forward to boatloads of injections again. I need Progesterone shots which are the absolute WORST! But I truly believe it kept my babes going in what was a not so strong Uterus. The truth is…can I handle another baby? By the time this singleton baby arrives both of our mother’s will be retired. Which means we have way more help since we are alone out here in Michigan. I just always wanted a big family but my depression has been holding me back from being a better mom. At the same time, I can’t just leave my other babies in the freezer in some lab. I need them here with me! (We have 3 left!)

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Anyways, today was kind of a ramble of sorts. I’m just trying to get back on this blogging kick! Trying to get a schedule going somehow!

By the way, Hubs and I went wine tasting last night and had a blast! Finally a proper night out! AND I’m not paying for it today…which means, more wine tonight!! 🙂 Cheers!

 

 

 

 

The Most Intense Love

Ask a mom what the love between her and her child feels like. She’ll probably have a hard time answering because its something shes never felt before. Unless of course, she instead, takes a look back on her days with Pablo on the beaches in Spain.

*We interrupt this message with a moment in thought*

Ok..I’m back! Whew…bucket of ice, please! Let me ALS challenge this dream right out of my head.

The truth about the love you feel comes from determination, defeat and determination once again. When I first met the boys I didn’t feel anything instantaneously because my body was just shocked and awakened from its overly large egg shaped life it just lived in. The egg was hatched and I was handed not one but two little shits with mouths wide opened.

Who.What.When.Where. How. Take them back for a second so I can wrap my head around all this.

It took me many months to fall intensely in love with them. It came from not giving up, hating life, wanting to walk out and never come back, and then the determination to survive and provide them the best that life can give. It was a big struggle for me since I had postpartum depression which actually started before their birth at about 30 weeks. Christmas was rough those months before they came. Shocking, I know. How can Christmas be anything but joyous?!

So, looking at them today… the hard days of newborns are past us (PRAISE BABY JESUS) and as I type one of them is fussing around in his crib because he decided a 30 minute nap was good enough (seriously, dude?!). They are part of me. They are the recipe I cooked up for 8+ months and now as I look at them they look like me or bits of me. Twins are no joke. It is SO hard. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Imagine working 24/7, never a break, never a vacation, no more time for yourself. It literally consumes you when you decided to be a mom and then a stay at home mom on top of that. Phew…HARD WORK.

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One of my finer moments…3 weeks after birth and trying to have a glass of wine. One sip, and done! Pretty, aren’t I? lol

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But this is all why I’ve finally come back to my love of alcohol. I swore during my pregnancy I would never drink again since the idea of it made me want to vomit. That took a good 5 months after their birth to come back to me but its back and with a vengeance!

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Speaking of vengeance…this kid (the blondie) needs to go back to sleep. Up I go to try to coerce him!

Is 9:30am too early to start drinking? What about just a little bit of whiskey in the coffee? Wrong?

Cheers!!!!

 

 

A Weekend Without Worry

My parents came to visit this past week (hence the radio silence from me! oops!) I was just busy trying to soak it all up and not waste a single second with them since I believe this may be the last time I see them until later into next year. Crazy that I lived in Germany, a 9 hour flight away and now I’m a 9 hour drive away. At this rate I feel like I’ll never get back “home.”

Nonetheless, the help was great and having my parents here really just made the world seem a little bit easier to deal with! Extra hands…you know all that…lad-dee-da. I realize I have an actual issue when it comes to just letting someone else help or take over. Not that I’m a helicopter mom because I am not in the slightest…but I am literally doing EVERY.THING. alone. I have no family here. The “friends” I met who said they would come around suddenly didn’t. And the husband works all day. So, it is me 100% of the time and letting even someone I love and trust like my mom take over a feeding, I found myself somewhat hovering because I wanted to make sure it was done like I do it. Does that make me a complete jerk? But then I finally let loose and did my best to let everyone do their thing!

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We had a good but very short weekend with them. They got in Friday night and left early Monday morning. So a little over 48 hours and it was all over. WAH.

As soon as my mom came in she went straight for the babies (I was in the middle of bath time chaos) and she just scooped up a baby and my heart literally melted into pieces. It was like I got a glimpse of how she was with me as a baby. And seeing your parents be so sweet to your own children…it’s like your heart and feelings come full circle.

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Whoa…got a little misty eyed on that last bit. Continuing on!

Trying to keep things jolly and festive we decided to go to a cider mill one afternoon and you all know that going anywhere with twins is not only a spectacle but a damn nuisance! I’m not sure why I talk myself into doing this stuff but I did. We got there and it was line after line just to get some dry ass donuts and cider. LAWD…I had no strength for the thousands of people there.

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Oh and strollers (especially our massive double stroller) were not allowed in any of the buildings. Lame-o. So, we were constantly trying to finagle that one person stay outside with the babies in the cold wind and everyone else can go in to the different buildings to wait in stupid long ass lines for nothing spectacular. Yeah…I’m angry.  Try and get two babies out of a stroller, park it, and carry them around in crowds of thousands of annoying people. Negative.

Anyways, this morning they said their goodbyes and my heart hurt as I waved to my mom (and she waved back) until they were down the street and turned the corner. I miss her. I miss them. DRASTICALLY. Funny how the second I moved out I’ve been wanting nothing but to move back in since!

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So, I’m sitting here drowning my sorrows in a glass of good old Scotch…and about to watch the movie, “Girl On The Train.”

Cheers, friends!!