The weather is finally cooler here in Michigan and my favorite season has begun! Bring on the candles, fluffy blankets, and fuzzy socks. This season gives me all sorts of renewed energy to hunker down and make the house homey.
So as you all know I was suffering from depression since I was 30 weeks pregnant. Going on almost 2 years this December and I’ve been working diligently to find a way out. It’s been hard. It got to the point where some days I would just sit on the floor, turn the tv on, and let the chaos commence all around me. And other times I couldn’t find the patience for anything while the world seemed to unravel all around me. It was scary! I was easy to snap and didn’t feel like giving the boys the mommy snuggles they so desired. How awful right?!
Many days I felt like such a failure! I dreamed of being a mom since ages. I went through in vitro just to fulfill that dream for Christ’s sake! I wanted this so why couldn’t I get a grip on this and be the mom I should be?!
After a huge lab work up my doctor saw that my progesterone level was extremely low which wasn’t a shock considering I had the same issue during the fertility treatments. So she ordered me a cream to rub on my leg each day and the first few days were scary. I was aggressive and nauseous. Then a week went by and here I am…several weeks in and finally feel like a piece of me is back.
I have the patience to make 3 meals a day, read books when they bring me piles of them to read, do fun learning and crafty things with them, clean the house, and my favorite bit…snuggle endlessly! Somehow it feels like everything slowed down finally. I can breathe again. Smile again. Laugh again.
I’m hoping this leg cream was the fix. This would be the best thing to happen to me and my family in 2 years. Can such an easy thing fix me? Trying not to think about it and just accepting it for what it’s giving me right now!
Keep fighting PPD, parents!!! There is a light in all of us! We just need to fix the igniter switch.
On February 24th, 2016 I had my sweet babies. Little did I know that having kids would be such a ridiculously hard job. Somehow I forgot what those two nights with my baby think-it-over was when the damn robot screamed non-stop so I put it in the car around 2am. Unfortunately, I can’t just throw my kids in the car when they decide to have a party in the wee hours because that would be cruel or something, so I’ve been told.
In all seriousness, I love these little bugs and I am so impressed with how we all survived the first year together. Them as first-time humans and me and the hubs as first-time parental units. Its been a crazy transition from our selfishness as a couple to complete selflessness as individuals. Eye-opening to say the least.
A year of tears, laughter, proud moments, sad moments, worry, discussions, and a mountain high pile of dirty diapers. I love what little individuals these two little guys are becoming and I can’t wait to see where their life takes them!
I put together a little video of their growth over the past year so please feel free to head on over and take a little peek!
I tend to do this with blogging…sometimes I find time, sometimes I don’t. It’s hard to juggle a new business, twins, my post partum depression, the dog, the schedule,the meal planning, and the list goes on and on. It’s rough!
So I need to update you a little bit on whats been going on.
The boys are about to turn a year old (OMG!) and I am beyond excited. Not so exciting is the fact that my in-laws are coming to visit for 2 weeks. I mean…I love them, I do. But I see them more than I see my own family. They come all the way from Germany and have spent more time with the boys than my own two parents. This is because America sucks in the vacation department (and the president department currently but I won’t get political on ya).
I just wish my parents had the opportunity to be with the boys more. Luckily, my mom will be retiring this June so then I can ship her here for months at a time and get my fill! I haven’t talked about it much but my mom also got breast cancer last year and was fighting it with radiation all on her own. Brave soul. I hate that I couldn’t be there with her during this. So I’ve got some catching up to do.
I’ll do a whole different post about our trip to Germany over Xmas and New Years (yes…a little behind here) because that takes a whole different kind of energy to write about it. But, needless to say…it wasn’t successful and has currently changed my way of thinking when it comes to traveling with the boys again.
My sweet little babies are crawling now! Both of them like a little baby stampede! It’s so sweet and they are sooooo snuggly. I am obsessed! Which has brought me to the decision of when to transfer our next embryo. (We did IVF…just FYI) I think we may try this Fall and see if it takes. Not looking forward to boatloads of injections again. I need Progesterone shots which are the absolute WORST! But I truly believe it kept my babes going in what was a not so strong Uterus. The truth is…can I handle another baby? By the time this singleton baby arrives both of our mother’s will be retired. Which means we have way more help since we are alone out here in Michigan. I just always wanted a big family but my depression has been holding me back from being a better mom. At the same time, I can’t just leave my other babies in the freezer in some lab. I need them here with me! (We have 3 left!)
Anyways, today was kind of a ramble of sorts. I’m just trying to get back on this blogging kick! Trying to get a schedule going somehow!
By the way, Hubs and I went wine tasting last night and had a blast! Finally a proper night out! AND I’m not paying for it today…which means, more wine tonight!! 🙂 Cheers!
My husband and I tried for 7+ years to have a baby. We did everything. I took weird raspberry leaf tablets, I did acupuncture, we used those ovulation apps and tests, I did every test to make sure I was ok. They found out I had Endometriosis but nothing that would keep us from conceiving. My husband’s sperm count was low but not low enough to be concerned about. We were labeled with,quite frankly: Unknown Infertility.
What in the sam hell is unknown infertility?!? Shouldn’t we have some sort of closure as to why our baby making parts don’t work together to do the one main function they are supposed to do?!
We tried treatments in Germany…without success. Only heart break and absolute anxiety every time I had to wait for my period or take a pregnancy test. Germany wasn’t going to work for us any who. They treated me like a number and to be honest, their hospitals feel like a time trap in the 1970s.
Wake up back in America…ahh…the sweet smell of corn dogs, GMOs, and jelly fish flavored vodka. Life was finally feeling like we belonged again and instead of getting a job right away we decided I could try out a fertility clinic. And so I did.
This place was PHENOMENAL! It was like a damn spa up in there. Trickling waterfalls in the waiting room with comfy chairs, couches, and fluffy pillows to boot! In the offices were warm purples, olive green, and mustards to soothe the eyes. On top of ALL of that, the doctor and nurses were a dream. Literally, they all became my friends. I couldn’t imagine going anywhere else. It finally felt like it was meant to be. So going into this process I had nothing but happy and positive thoughts. Even if it failed, I knew that I was in the right place. That they would figure it all out and I would someway, somehow get my baby.
We did all the tests possible and even though I had Endometriosis, it wasn’t the cause. We more or less had unexplained infertility. Great. No explanation. IVF was our only option.
You would think my needle phobia would have subsided but it hasn’t in the slightest! Every night I took multiple shots and swallowed a million pills. Who knows what all this would do to my body in the years to come but so long I became a mother, I couldn’t care less!
Egg collection day was pretty exciting! Besides the fact that I was totally famished and told the nurse in my drugged state to, “Get me pancakes, STAT!” and then proceeded to sing “The hills are allliiiiivvveeee with the souuunnddd of mussssiiicccc.” Yes…I’m a ridiculous drunk too. Surprised?
18 eggs removed…18 potential babies. All fertilized with by the husband and left in a lab to grow big and strong! At the end of 5 days we had 8 babies that were of good enough quality to proceed. We technically could have kept all 8 but we decided to take it a step further and I’ve never been so happy about a decision in my life. All embryos had a biopsy taken and this sample was sent off to a genetic testing lab to see if any had any horrible diseases. Trisomy, Edward’s Syndrome, Down Syndrome, etc etc. All of this was checked. Our top 3 embryos which were the strongest cell-wise were the sickest. These three would have been the first transfers had we not done the genetic testing. Each of these 3 had several different genetic issues. This means…I skipped 3 miscarriages, 3 stillbirths or a lifetime of caring for handicap children.
We were left with 5 embryos. We knew the genders of all and chose two to be transferred. June 22nd, 2015 we did the transfer and I was ready to go! I dressed up pretty in order to make a good impression the first time I met my babies. We transferred two embryos in hopes that at least one would take.
June 27th, I took a home pregnancy test and there it was. Pregnant. For the first time in my life, I got to pee on a stick and got a positive result. I was in utter disbelief. It was this moment in life I had been strangely missing. I finally felt like many of my friends who had been there before me. Confirmed, twins were on the way!!!
At 6 weeks I woke up to a bed full of blood and blood clots. I had lost my twins. I was utterly devastated as I called my doctor at 2am..crying…sobbing…unable to pick myself up off the floor.
The next morning we went in to see the damage on the ultrasound and for the first time, two little blobs appeared on the screen and two heartbeats racing. This was the first time I heard their hearts beating away and I was in total shock. Shaking, laughing, crying…not sure what the hell was going on! The ultrasound showed I had a very large blood clot that was threatening their lives. It was much bigger than both babies and as blood clots do they either absorb back into the body or they make their way out. If it tried to make its way out, it could potentially bring both babies with it. Horrified, I put myself on bed rest until 20 weeks pregnant. I had to save these babies.
We knew we were having boys from the genetic test. We chose to have 2 boy embryos transferred.
Many complications, extreme and debilitating nausea, I lost more weight than I put on, and many hospital stays later….I delivered my two humans at 38 weeks. These two humans made me a mom. Finally.
Now, after reliving that…time for a drink! Is it too early?!!?