So Long, Summer

Even though I hate the heat and it makes me cranky I did have a very successful summer in terms of making memories or the boys. We did two family vacations with the little shits. One with my family in Western NY and the second with hub’s parents, when they visited from Germany, near Lake Michigan (Michigan side.) 

Gone are the days of actual vacations where I used to lay on a hammock, read a whole book, and sleep in. We have now come into this very different time in our lives where we now wake up early, chase mini drunk versions of ourselves, and fall asleep early because it’s exhausting watching your kids in a place that isn’t baby-proof!! 

So a little glimpse back into the fiery hot days of summer as we start dusting off our favorite comfy sweaters. Another season over and on to the next one!

My family vacation in western NY πŸ™‚  We rented this adorable little cottage right on a lake. My parents, my brother and his wife and two boys joined us! House full of love! 

Our vacation lake house with the German in-laws! This was an hour from our house but was nice to unplug! 


It’s just a trip nowadays not a vacation. I decided I can’t go into this expecting that I’ll  actually get a day off. That’s just unrealistic! But I did consider it as good memories for the boys and that made all the difference! 

Cheers, Summer!! Now give me cozy sweaters, pumpkin everything, and warm fires! xoxoxoxo 

Finding The Light

The weather is finally cooler here in Michigan and my favorite season has begun! Bring on the candles, fluffy blankets, and fuzzy socks. This season gives me all sorts of renewed energy to hunker down and make the house homey. 


So as you all know I was suffering from depression since I was 30 weeks pregnant. Going on almost 2 years this December and I’ve been working diligently to find a way out. It’s been hard. It got to the point where some days I would just sit on the floor, turn the tv on, and let the chaos commence all around me. And other times I couldn’t find the patience for anything while the world seemed to unravel all around me. It was scary! I was easy to snap and didn’t feel like giving the boys the mommy snuggles they so desired. How awful right?! 


Many days I felt like such a failure! I dreamed of being a mom since ages. I went through in vitro just to fulfill that dream for Christ’s sake! I wanted this so why couldn’t I get a grip on this and be the mom I should be?! 


After a huge lab work up my doctor saw that my progesterone level was extremely low which wasn’t a shock considering I had the same issue during the fertility treatments. So she ordered me a cream to rub on my leg each day and the first few days were scary. I was aggressive and nauseous. Then a week went by and here I am…several weeks in and finally feel like a piece of me is back. 

I have the patience to make 3 meals a day, read books when they bring me piles of them to read, do fun learning and crafty things with them, clean the house, and my favorite bit…snuggle endlessly! Somehow it feels like everything slowed down finally. I can breathe again. Smile again. Laugh again. 


I’m hoping this leg cream was the fix. This would be the best thing to happen to me and my family in 2 years. Can such an easy thing fix me? Trying not to think about it and just accepting it for what it’s giving me right now! 

Keep fighting PPD, parents!!! There is a light in all of us! We just need to fix the igniter switch. 

Cheers, loves! Xoxoxoxox

Don’t Believe The Hype

You know how you hear the basic squabble about being a twin mom? Or even just a mom, period! The comments about how easy or hard each stage is?

img_1637

“Oh…twins?!…you have your hands full! Just wait until they are crawling.”

“Once they start walking say goodbye to the happy days.”

These types of comments are pretty standard. I feel like people have heard others say it and so they think it’s appropriate to say. And then, as first time moms, we start to believe in what they say. We wait for the moments they start crawling or the moments they start walking and wait for the hard part.

unnamed

But I’m here to tell you…stop listening to all the banter. It’s just blubber what comes out of people mouths. That’s right…whale fat. Pouring out. Blubbering blubber mouths.

The truth is…I kept waiting in anticipation of my days to be harder than they were. Two infants is hard. Period. When they both started to crawl, my life got easier. They could then go and grab their own toys. Β They could play with each other, they could play with me! It was a whole new adventure.

And then just the past two weeks the both of them started walking! Woohoo!! 14 months and on a roll! This new phase is so exciting for us. I absolutely love them walking towards me with those big “hey ma! Look!” faces falling straight into my arms.

unnamed1

I have not yet found the hard parts. Maybe it’s because each day has been difficult in some ways but eventually it just becomes life. It’s not any different than the mom next door with one kid. This is my life and I love every last minute of it. And you should to!

Enjoy the milestones, don’t fear them! Fear-mongers be damned!!

Cheers, loves!

So Its Been Awhile

I tend to do this with blogging…sometimes I find time, sometimes I don’t. It’s hard to juggle a new business, twins, my post partum depression, the dog, the schedule,the meal planning, and the list goes on and on. It’s rough!

So I need to update you a little bit on whats been going on.

The boys are about to turn a year old (OMG!) and I am beyond excited. Not so exciting is the fact that my in-laws are coming to visit for 2 weeks. I mean…I love them, I do. But I see them more than I see my own family. They come all the way from Germany and have spent more time with the boys than my own two parents. This is because America sucks in the vacation department (and the president department currently but I won’t get political on ya).

img_8921

I just wish my parents had the opportunity to be with the boys more. Luckily, my mom will be retiring this June so then I can ship her here for months at a time and get my fill! I haven’t talked about it much but my mom also got breast cancer last year and was fighting it with radiation all on her own. Brave soul. I hate that I couldn’t be there with her during this. So I’ve got some catching up to do.

I’ll do a whole different post about our trip to Germany over Xmas and New Years (yes…a little behind here) because that takes a whole different kind of energy to write about it. But, needless to say…it wasn’t successful and has currently changed my way of thinking when it comes to traveling with the boys again.

img_8914

My sweet little babies are crawling now! Both of them like a little baby stampede! It’s so sweet and they are sooooo snuggly. I am obsessed! Which has brought me to the decision of when to transfer our next embryo. (We did IVF…just FYI) I think we may try this Fall and see if it takes. Not looking forward to boatloads of injections again. I need Progesterone shots which are the absolute WORST! But I truly believe it kept my babes going in what was a not so strong Uterus. The truth is…can I handle another baby? By the time this singleton baby arrives both of our mother’s will be retired. Which means we have way more help since we are alone out here in Michigan. I just always wanted a big family but my depression has been holding me back from being a better mom. At the same time, I can’t just leave my other babies in the freezer in some lab. I need them here with me! (We have 3 left!)

img_8915img_8917

Anyways, today was kind of a ramble of sorts. I’m just trying to get back on this blogging kick! Trying to get a schedule going somehow!

By the way, Hubs and I went wine tasting last night and had a blast! Finally a proper night out! AND I’m not paying for it today…which means, more wine tonight!! πŸ™‚ Cheers!

 

 

 

 

The Most Intense Love

Ask a mom what the love between her and her child feels like. She’ll probably have a hard time answering because its something shes never felt before. Unless of course, she instead, takes a look back on her days with Pablo on the beaches in Spain.

*We interrupt this message with a moment in thought*

Ok..I’m back! Whew…bucket of ice, please! Let me ALS challenge this dream right out of my head.

The truth about the love you feel comes from determination, defeat and determination once again. When I first met the boys I didn’t feel anything instantaneously because my body was just shocked and awakened from its overly large egg shaped life it just lived in. The egg was hatched and I was handed not one but two little shits with mouths wide opened.

Who.What.When.Where. How. Take them back for a second so I can wrap my head around all this.

It took me many months to fall intensely in love with them. It came from not giving up, hating life, wanting to walk out and never come back, and then the determination to survive and provide them the best that life can give. It was a big struggle for me since I had postpartum depression which actually started before their birth at about 30 weeks. Christmas was rough those months before they came. Shocking, I know. How can Christmas be anything but joyous?!

So, looking at them today… the hard days of newborns are past us (PRAISE BABY JESUS) and as I type one of them is fussing around in his crib because he decided a 30 minute nap was good enough (seriously, dude?!). They are part of me. They are the recipe I cooked up for 8+ months and now as I look at them they look like me or bits of me. Twins are no joke. It is SO hard. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Imagine working 24/7, never a break, never a vacation, no more time for yourself. It literally consumes you when you decided to be a mom and then a stay at home mom on top of that. Phew…HARD WORK.

l5
One of my finer moments…3 weeks after birth and trying to have a glass of wine. One sip, and done! Pretty, aren’t I? lol

l7

But this is all why I’ve finally come back to my love of alcohol. I swore during my pregnancy I would never drink again since the idea of it made me want to vomit. That took a good 5 months after their birth to come back to me but its back and with a vengeance!

l8l6

Speaking of vengeance…this kid (the blondie) needs to go back to sleep. Up I go to try to coerce him!

Is 9:30am too early to start drinking? What about just a little bit of whiskey in the coffee? Wrong?

Cheers!!!!

 

 

Stop Comparing

Recently I saw a friend’s Facebook post about her 7 month old singleton. He was born one day before my boys, for reference.

My boys currently are long, skinny, and one has a pretty large head. They each weigh approximately 17lbs, 28″ long. Thats pretty lean…both below the 25 percentile for those stupid charts. WHICH, by the way, are based off of moms who went 40 weeks, with ONE baby. There is no chart for moms who went earlier, with multiples and what not. All of which is fairly frustrating. Maybe I should write to the CDC about their mistake.

Anywho…back to my friend’s post. Here is what I saw:

unnamed

 

 

Basically comparing kids is a no-go. Even though our kids were all born on the same day more or less, I need to stop thinking that I’m somehow lacking as a mom based on other children’s milestones.

So, he’s a bit taller….double the weight(!!)…talking…crawling…sitting up obviously…I mean…HOLD THE DAMN PHONE! Give me a second to catch up. For the record, her little guy is the most adorable little chap. Nothing against her, the baby, or her parenting.

Teeth….well at 7.5 months we are JUST starting to see some push through the gums for one guy, the other wants nothing to do with teeth. Crawling…thats a negative. Just trying to get through tummy time is a struggle. Says “Da-Da.” WTF! You’re 7 month old is talking AND has teeth. Shut it down. Right now!

It’s so hard for me not to feel inadequate. I am a new mom, severely struggling to get my post partum depression in order, and barely have time to teach my guys to sit up on their own. I am doing my best but when I see how moms with singleton babies are flourishing into these mini-geniuses, it kills me!

I realize I need to stop comparing my kids to everyone else. I am doing the very best that I can with what I have. Zero family, zero help, just me…100% of the time. I just really hope that I am not keeping my dudes from thriving just because I’m depressed and exhausted. We are all just trying to survive over here.

unnamed-13

 

And people wonder why I drink! Just keepin afloat! When the boys were little they had such horrible reflux that they vomited most of their food every feeding. I was giving them 3oz for what seemed like eternity. Just recently we have been able to increase little by little without too much spit up. (WOOHOO!!! No more stained clothes!) But I used to feel sad that I couldn’t get enough food in them and all these others babies I saw were getting double what they were at that age. It has been a struggle!

Anyone else do this? Compare your kids constantly? We just gotta stop doing that and let our little people be the best little people they can be!

Cheers!

A Little Party – German Style

So I had to take a “leave of absence” from ya’ll for a week. It’s nothing you said or did. I just had it!

No but seriously, I was having one of those weeks that I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to survive.

This past week was the 3 year anniversary of the death of my most beloved person…my grandma. That was hard 3 years ago and somehow I’ve never fully let the sadness go. We buried her on my husband’s birthday so he’s had a few bad birthdays to say the least! So a funeral for one bday and we moved from Germany to the US another birthday celebrating in the plane.

With all that drama I decided to stress myself out with a Oktoberfest themed party for him. Yeah, I’m an overachiever. I spent 3 days cleaning, cooking, baking, being the bumper for drunks, and more cleaning. All while juggling the twinados. Well, I am officially done!

But here’s a little glimpse into what the weekend was about πŸ™‚

It’s clearly all about the outfits here. Well and the homemade black forest cake πŸ™‚

oktoberfest-3

I made baked so many things. Crazy how much time I used up that I didn’t have to begin with. Thank god for nannys!!

We had a beer stein holding competition and all in all I think the husband was really happy with the turnout. We had a bunch of people here and tons more food arrive than what is shown in the picture. That is just what I made!

So then the day after (Sunday) I cleaned ALL DAMN DAY! I figured I’d do the annual floor mopping that I do. Yes, I said annual. Nobodys got time for that nonsense! Twins aren’t crawling yet so its all good. By 8pm, the back of my knees were burning. I had officially overdone it. According to my fitbit in 24 hours I had walked 34,000 steps. People…just do the math on that one. Painful. Not to mention the 47 flights of stairs I did taking care of the little shits!

And wouldn’t you know it…feet are up…I’m sipping on my night cap martini in silence as the husband takes the furball out one last time before bed. They come waltzing back in and the sweet apple spice aroma floating through the house was suddenly overcome by something horrifying.

Human feces? Dead raccoon? No one will ever know but sweet old furbaby Harley decided it was time for his annual shower. He committed one of the most heinous acts a dog could do. Why oh why me? So back up the 48th flight of stairs that day and in to the shower he went. Good lord, why do you punish me???

Anywho, round two tonight. Will drink my little martini and hopefully this time I can finally get some piece and quiet!

Cheers!!!