The Ketchup On My Sock

The finger prints on the fridge

The kiss marks on the windows 

They are real. 

The fruit snacks squished into the carpet

The veggie straws smashed into the vents

They are real.

The pitter-patter-thud of footsteps

The ketchup on my sock

They are real. 

One blonde, one brunette 

Two dreams come true at once

They are real. 


A little poem for these two baby birds 🙂 

It Takes A Village

One mom friend of mine once told me that you find out who your true friends are really quick when you have children. The people that come around and try to help. It’s amazing to me how true that whole statement is but more so, how surprising it is of who actually does come around.

I’ve had people from all over the place…acquaintances even, help me more than I ever thought!

When the boys were brand new a friend from high school sent me the best coffee mug. It keeps my coffee warm for up to 6 hours and it’s amazing because we all know that being a mom doesn’t always mean we get to sit down and actually finish a cup of coffee…and it still be warm! Mind you, this “friend” is someone I barely knew. We may have ended up at the same parties once in a grand while but we certainly weren’t in each others circle of friends.

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Once the boys started teething and trying out solids another acquaintance of mine from high school who, again, was not in my circle of friends but we knew each other, sent me a giant package of homemade bibs and tethers. These were ADORABLE since she stayed within the theme of their room which is more or less nautical. Can’t pass up lobsters and boats! 🙂 This was just so sweet and really heart-warming.

The people who said they would help didn’t and people I never knew even thought about me came out of the wood work to help me along this path of motherhood I was navigating. I’m not sure I can ever express how important it is to be there for someone even if you don’t know them. These little things made all the difference in the beginning especially since I was juggling the post partum depression.

I’ve been trying to pass on this bundle of kindness ever since and I just can’t seem to get enough of it! Pass it on friends, pass it on.

Cheers to kindness!!!

So Its Been Awhile

I tend to do this with blogging…sometimes I find time, sometimes I don’t. It’s hard to juggle a new business, twins, my post partum depression, the dog, the schedule,the meal planning, and the list goes on and on. It’s rough!

So I need to update you a little bit on whats been going on.

The boys are about to turn a year old (OMG!) and I am beyond excited. Not so exciting is the fact that my in-laws are coming to visit for 2 weeks. I mean…I love them, I do. But I see them more than I see my own family. They come all the way from Germany and have spent more time with the boys than my own two parents. This is because America sucks in the vacation department (and the president department currently but I won’t get political on ya).

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I just wish my parents had the opportunity to be with the boys more. Luckily, my mom will be retiring this June so then I can ship her here for months at a time and get my fill! I haven’t talked about it much but my mom also got breast cancer last year and was fighting it with radiation all on her own. Brave soul. I hate that I couldn’t be there with her during this. So I’ve got some catching up to do.

I’ll do a whole different post about our trip to Germany over Xmas and New Years (yes…a little behind here) because that takes a whole different kind of energy to write about it. But, needless to say…it wasn’t successful and has currently changed my way of thinking when it comes to traveling with the boys again.

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My sweet little babies are crawling now! Both of them like a little baby stampede! It’s so sweet and they are sooooo snuggly. I am obsessed! Which has brought me to the decision of when to transfer our next embryo. (We did IVF…just FYI) I think we may try this Fall and see if it takes. Not looking forward to boatloads of injections again. I need Progesterone shots which are the absolute WORST! But I truly believe it kept my babes going in what was a not so strong Uterus. The truth is…can I handle another baby? By the time this singleton baby arrives both of our mother’s will be retired. Which means we have way more help since we are alone out here in Michigan. I just always wanted a big family but my depression has been holding me back from being a better mom. At the same time, I can’t just leave my other babies in the freezer in some lab. I need them here with me! (We have 3 left!)

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Anyways, today was kind of a ramble of sorts. I’m just trying to get back on this blogging kick! Trying to get a schedule going somehow!

By the way, Hubs and I went wine tasting last night and had a blast! Finally a proper night out! AND I’m not paying for it today…which means, more wine tonight!! 🙂 Cheers!

 

 

 

 

Trying To Find Me

“Keep trying….you’re in here somewhere.” This seems to be my daily mantra. Before the babies obviously I had a lot of free time. I would paint my nails, find things to fill up my planner, walk around Target aimlessly (and buy too much crap I didn’t need), and watch WAYYYYY too many episodes of Keeping Up With The Karkrapians to the point where I ALMOST feel sympathy for them.

Lately I’ve been struggling (which is why I’m hit or miss on the blogging ordeal) with my postpartum depression. It’s been attacking me when I need to function the most. My poor boys don’t get the attention they need and I don’t have the patience. I find myself just staring at them or into space when it would be more beneficial that I actually talk to them or play with them. Rather than just sitting next to them on the floor and leaving them to entertain themselves.

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I’ve changed my meds a couple times. Changed the amount I take but it feels as if its getting worse and worse. I can only increase it so much. Know what I mean? I’m scared that I’ll be medicated for the rest of my life. Seems to be a theme in my family with women and PPD.

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Anywho, I suppose this is my apology that I haven’t been blogging as much as I was hoping to. I’m going to try my best to get back in to it. It’s therapeutic actually so it would be smart for me to continue. It’s just so hard sometimes to pick myself up enough to get on it. Anyone else struggle with this? The boys are 9.5 months now. Can we not just get on with life and not have these issue. Pregnancy is incredibly difficult…and then the post-pregnancy is just as hard if not harder. Throw me a bone here!!

Time to stop the drinking for a bit, me thinks! Maybe that’s only making matters worse! A glass here, a glass there. It all adds up!

But I’ll still cheers to you!

Cheers! xoxoxo

 

 

The Most Intense Love

Ask a mom what the love between her and her child feels like. She’ll probably have a hard time answering because its something shes never felt before. Unless of course, she instead, takes a look back on her days with Pablo on the beaches in Spain.

*We interrupt this message with a moment in thought*

Ok..I’m back! Whew…bucket of ice, please! Let me ALS challenge this dream right out of my head.

The truth about the love you feel comes from determination, defeat and determination once again. When I first met the boys I didn’t feel anything instantaneously because my body was just shocked and awakened from its overly large egg shaped life it just lived in. The egg was hatched and I was handed not one but two little shits with mouths wide opened.

Who.What.When.Where. How. Take them back for a second so I can wrap my head around all this.

It took me many months to fall intensely in love with them. It came from not giving up, hating life, wanting to walk out and never come back, and then the determination to survive and provide them the best that life can give. It was a big struggle for me since I had postpartum depression which actually started before their birth at about 30 weeks. Christmas was rough those months before they came. Shocking, I know. How can Christmas be anything but joyous?!

So, looking at them today… the hard days of newborns are past us (PRAISE BABY JESUS) and as I type one of them is fussing around in his crib because he decided a 30 minute nap was good enough (seriously, dude?!). They are part of me. They are the recipe I cooked up for 8+ months and now as I look at them they look like me or bits of me. Twins are no joke. It is SO hard. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Imagine working 24/7, never a break, never a vacation, no more time for yourself. It literally consumes you when you decided to be a mom and then a stay at home mom on top of that. Phew…HARD WORK.

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One of my finer moments…3 weeks after birth and trying to have a glass of wine. One sip, and done! Pretty, aren’t I? lol

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But this is all why I’ve finally come back to my love of alcohol. I swore during my pregnancy I would never drink again since the idea of it made me want to vomit. That took a good 5 months after their birth to come back to me but its back and with a vengeance!

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Speaking of vengeance…this kid (the blondie) needs to go back to sleep. Up I go to try to coerce him!

Is 9:30am too early to start drinking? What about just a little bit of whiskey in the coffee? Wrong?

Cheers!!!!

 

 

How The Twins Came To Be

My husband and I tried for 7+ years to have a baby. We did everything. I took weird raspberry leaf tablets, I did acupuncture, we used those ovulation apps and tests, I did every test to make sure I was ok. They found out I had Endometriosis but nothing that would keep us from conceiving. My husband’s sperm count was low but not low enough to be concerned about. We were labeled with,quite frankly: Unknown Infertility.

What in the sam hell is unknown infertility?!? Shouldn’t we have some sort of closure as to why our baby making parts don’t work together to do the one main function they are supposed to do?!

We tried treatments in Germany…without success. Only heart break and absolute anxiety every time I had to wait for my period or take a pregnancy test. Germany wasn’t going to work for us any who. They treated me like a number and to be honest, their hospitals feel like a time trap in the 1970s.

Wake up back in America…ahh…the sweet smell of corn dogs, GMOs, and jelly fish flavored vodka. Life was finally feeling like we belonged again and instead of getting a job right away we decided I could try out a fertility clinic. And so I did.

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This place was PHENOMENAL! It was like a damn spa up in there. Trickling waterfalls in the waiting room with comfy chairs, couches, and fluffy pillows to boot! In the offices were warm purples, olive green, and mustards to soothe the eyes. On top of ALL of that, the doctor and nurses were a dream. Literally, they all became my friends. I couldn’t imagine going anywhere else. It finally felt like it was meant to be. So going into this process I had nothing but happy and positive thoughts. Even if it failed, I knew that I was in the right place. That they would figure it all out and I would someway, somehow get my baby.

We did all the tests possible and even though I had Endometriosis, it wasn’t the cause. We more or less had unexplained infertility. Great. No explanation. IVF was our only option.

You would think my needle phobia would have subsided but it hasn’t in the slightest! Every night I took multiple shots and swallowed a million pills. Who knows what all this would do to my body in the years to come but so long I became a mother, I couldn’t care less!

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Egg collection day was pretty exciting! Besides the fact that I was totally famished and told the nurse in my drugged state to, “Get me pancakes, STAT!” and then proceeded to sing “The hills are allliiiiivvveeee with the souuunnddd of mussssiiicccc.” Yes…I’m a ridiculous drunk too. Surprised?

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So many eggs…BIG ones!

18 eggs removed…18 potential babies. All fertilized with by the husband and left in a lab to grow big and strong! At the end of 5 days we had 8 babies that were of good enough quality to proceed. We technically could have kept all 8 but we decided to take it a step further and I’ve never been so happy about a decision in my life. All embryos had a biopsy taken and this sample was sent off to a genetic testing lab to see if any had any horrible diseases. Trisomy, Edward’s Syndrome, Down Syndrome, etc etc. All of this was checked. Our top 3 embryos which were the strongest cell-wise were the sickest. These three would have been the first transfers had we not done the genetic testing. Each of these 3 had several different genetic issues. This means…I skipped 3 miscarriages, 3 stillbirths or a lifetime of caring for handicap children.

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Babies First Picture

We were left with 5 embryos. We knew the genders of all and chose two to be transferred. June 22nd, 2015 we did the transfer and I was ready to go! I dressed up pretty in order to make a good impression the first time I met my babies. We transferred two embryos in hopes that at least one would take.

June 27th, I took a home pregnancy test and there it was. Pregnant. For the first time in my life, I got to pee on a stick and got a positive result. I was in utter disbelief. It was this moment in life I had been strangely missing. I finally felt like many of my friends who had been there before me. Confirmed, twins were on the way!!!

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TWINS!!!

At 6 weeks I woke up to a bed full of blood and blood clots. I had lost my twins. I was utterly devastated as I called my doctor at 2am..crying…sobbing…unable to pick myself up off the floor.

The next morning we went in to see the damage on the ultrasound and for the first time, two little blobs appeared on the screen and two heartbeats racing. This was the first time I heard their hearts beating away and I was in total shock. Shaking, laughing, crying…not sure what the hell was going on! The ultrasound showed I had a very large blood clot that was threatening their lives. It was much bigger than both babies and as blood clots do they either absorb back into the body or they make their way out. If it tried to make its way out, it could potentially bring both babies with it. Horrified, I put myself on bed rest until 20 weeks pregnant. I had to save these babies.

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9 Weeks
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20 Weeks!

 

We knew we were having boys from the genetic test. We chose to have 2 boy embryos transferred.

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Many complications, extreme and debilitating nausea, I lost more weight than I put on, and many hospital stays later….I delivered my two humans at 38 weeks. These two humans made me a mom. Finally. 12801352_10156600194720593_5288981743254614147_n

Now, after reliving that…time for a drink! Is it too early?!!?

Cheers!

 

 

 

My Top 5 Pregnancy Must Haves

I’m a new mom so when I was pregnant…and with twins no less….I learned REALLY quick what was comfortable and what worked for me. These are my absolute must haves! I’m not being paid to solicit this advice, just so you are aware! However, if any of these companies want to pay me…please…don’t hold back! I have twin butts to diaper! 😉

  1. Blanqi Support Tank  :  This tank top was life saving for the 2nd trimester. My tummy was growing at an alarming pace (ie. I looked like I was 20 weeks and I was only 9 weeks) This baby kept my babies in from when I was 20 weeks (left) up to about 32 weeks (31 weeks on the right). It has special support around the back, belly, under belly, and bra area. Whenever I wore it I was able to walk a little longer than I normally would and I wore this baby every day all day under everything!
  2. Leggings : Granted seeing a whale wearing leggings isn’t the cutest thing but I did NOT care! The over-the-belly- black leggings my S-I-L sent me were phenomenal! I wore those daily. Seriously. Never took them off. I bought one pair of maternity jeans at 9 weeks and those were the most uncomfortable things my legs were ever in. I highly suggest you get yourself over to a maternity store and buy a pair or two of these! Even whales deserve to feel comfortable!
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A blue whale in leggings 😉

3. Maternity Underwear : I swear by these. Eventually my fancy little strings no longer were comfortable or would even rest on my hips properly. My mom sent me a bunch of underoos that go WAY up over the belly and let me just tell you something…HEAVEN! I may have tried to wear them even after the birth but there wasn’t much there in terms of belly afterward. Sadly, they have been retired to the maternity clothes box in the cellar but oh man…GET YOURSELF THESE! Don’t try to be a celebrity and wear matching bra and panties just for that perfect instagram pic! Just don’t!  Between these, my over the belly leggings, and then my support tank (see above) those boys were snug! And so were all my lady bits!

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4. The biggest bottle of Tums you can get your sticky, over heated hands on. People, the reflux is REAL! I couldn’t eat ANYTHING without the depths of hell massaging my vocal chords. I mean, seriously. What gives?! I ate Tums like it was my day job. I know, I know….you’re directed to only have so many within a 24 hour period but my kids turned out fine. I completely disregarded this because well…Life. Once Tums stopped working I started taking Pepcid and that definitely helped. Surely, I thought the devil himself would ride out of my mouth on a flaming chariot!!!

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5. Diclegis : No joke. This medicine saved me from abortion. I literally was so ill..I mean beyond anything that I mentally and physically was capable of handling. I remember telling my husband I had met my limit. I could no longer carry these babies and I wanted to transport them somehow into a surrogate’s belly. Crazy enough…I was DEAD serious! I could not handle life. I wanted it all to end. (Dramatic I know but I was so done!) Well, come to find out I was beyond dehydrated, wasn’t getting enough calories, and my body was just a crap shoot. So, my doctor supplied me with sample after sample of Diclegis!

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This is the same stuff that Kim Kardashian posted about on Instagram and got a lot of slack for it, however, she’s right. It works. Before you freak out and think..OMG I couldn’t possibly take something that could potentially hurt my unborn child…well…I’m here to soothe your worry. It’s basically Vitamin B6 and Unisom in the correct dosage taken at the right time every day and it WORKS. This was the one thing that helped me get out of bed and not lie there waiting for the grim reaper to show up. I was in the hospital several times a week for IVs and after taking Diclegis I didn’t need that anymore! Ask your doctor about samples. Prescriptions are SO expensive because the FDA won’t back it up (its too easy of a fix). Trust me, you’ll thank me later!

Did you have any must haves during your pregnancy that you could share with other expecting moms?

On that note…babies are awake from their naps! It’s walk time!

Cheers!!!